What Dies Inside Us While We Live
by Ceillean
Summary: Kyp Durron must face what he has done. Yet he finds he cannot face it on his own. With help from a Doctor, he relives his past and faces up to his deeds.
1. Chapter 1

Nineteen-year-old Kyp Durron took yet another steadying breath, pulling at the collar of his new coat for what seemed like the hundredth time. Han had _made_ him wear the new clothes; Lando had come along for a shopping trip and it had been beyond embarrassing. It seemed Lando had his personal aides for everything.

Besides the high-collared coat, he wore black boots above comfortably fitting dark brown pants and a simple white tunic – courtesy of some new and universally known designer, according to Lando. Therefore, he sat looking like an average young man, on an average day in an average environment.

However, there was nothing average about Kyp Durron.

He ran a hand through short dark hair then tugged at his collar again. In the far corner sat a young mother with her daughter. They held hands firmly. The little girl trembled with bright red eyes and a blotchy face.

They looked the same way Kyp felt.

He sat back in his seat and grabbed a holozine from a table next to him. There wasn't anything worth reading, really. Some actor having been caught cheating with his wife's sister, the Corellian Senator having an affair with a servant girl, the death of a major singer – someone Kyp hadn't even heard of before.

Gossip.

Just peachy.

He'd missed so many normal things in the past few years. It was exciting to discover everything anew but then again, it frightened him to such an extent that sometimes, late at night, he shook uncontrollably because he was afraid.

Still gripping the holozine, Kyp felt nervousness creep up his spine and he breathed in deeply, letting it out on a quiet sigh. He focused on his surroundings next, anything to keep his mind off the coming conversation.

The waiting room was of a modern design. It was held in whites and grays, with red decorations along the walls in spiral patterns. Plants stood in each corner and there was soft music playing in the background. But what caught Kyp's attention was the water fountain in the middle of the waiting room.

It sprinkled turquoise water high into the air, collecting in a basin made of a startling dark blue marble material. Pink starflower blossoms swam atop the surface of the water, dancing with one another to a quiet tune. It really _was_ beautiful and Kyp smiled to himself.

If only it were real.

The hologram malfunctioned now and again, flickering every ten seconds or so. It completely messed up the image of peacefulness.

Across from him, a door opened, sliding into the wall with a silent hiss. A young woman stepped into the waiting room, a warm smile on a freckled face. Dark red hair was twisted up into a bun at the back of her head; she wore a golden necklace around a slender neck that matched the dark red outfit she wore for the job. A skirt and a blouse, a nametag attached to the pocket. Green eyes sparkled.

She seemed in a very good mood.

It annoyed Kyp.

She held a holochart to her chest and stepped aside. "Doctor Kayle will see you now, Mr. Durron."

His collar seemed too tight again. Refusing to act on it, Kyp laid the holozines back onto the table and got to his feet. With every step, it felt like it was getting harder to breathe.

Clearing his throat, Kyp followed the young woman into the neighboring room. He risked a quick glance at the mother and her daughter, smiling weakly.

They couldn't manage a smile in return.

***

"He'll be with you in a moment."

Kyp nodded while the door closed behind the young woman. He realized belatedly that she smelled good.

The office was amazingly _huge_. Five floor-to-ceiling windows on one side with a sitting group underneath. He saw a small box atop the glass table. Curiosity got the better of him and he took the few steps to hold the small box in his hands. It was a music box he realized when he snapped the top open. A holographic figure of a girl dancing in circles, arms spread to the sides. She smiled while her hair whipped around her head. The music was beautiful, a melodic tone, an unforgettable melody.

It made him sad.

He snapped the music box shut and put it back.

Kyp turned to the desk in the middle of the office room. It was made of glass, with a transparent computer monitor on the tabletop. Holographic pictures of little children stood on one end, while pieces of flimsies lay on the other. Everything had its place it seemed.

All was perfect.

In Kyp's life, nothing was perfect. He felt out of place. He felt wrong.

The door opened behind him, again silently and the Doctor entered. He was a tall, middle-aged man with blond hair swept back from an aristocratic yet kind face. Bright blue eyes almost smiled at Kyp. He was dressed in casual civilian wear, all dark colors and a silver pendant hung around his neck. It glittered as the sun filtered through the windows.

He smiled warmly. Kyp thought he didn't seem like a Doctor at all, more like one of those holostars in the gossip 'zines in the waiting room.

"Mr. Durron." He stepped forward and extended a hand. Kyp took it with a slight nod. "I'm Gorden Kayle. Won't you have a seat?" He gestured to the chairs in front of the desk and Kyp swallowed.

Nervousness and Kyp Durron did not make the best of friends.

"How are you today, Mr. Durron?" Gorden asked in a deep, almost hypnotic voice. It eased Kyp's anxiety a bit, lessened the tension. Still he had to blink at the question. It was an average question everyone asked occasionally. But hardly anyone really meant it.

Kyp cleared his throat. "Alright."

Gorden chuckled. Two deep dimples appeared on his face. He looked younger when he laughed. "Are you sure about that?"

Again, Kyp had to pause. "Yes. I'm sure."

"Then why are you here?" Kyp didn't like the smile on the Doctor as much anymore. His voice was even, filled with compassion. It made Kyp feel ill.

Why was he here?

Because Han had asked him to go? Because he hated the pitying looks people gave him? Because he hated it when people felt sorry for him?

No.

Not it at all.

Kyp looked away from the Doctor's penetrating gaze and glanced towards the window. There was enough to see, no doubt. It was Coruscant after all, the busiest planet in the galaxy.

Yet Kyp saw nothing at all.

"I'm here because I'm lost." He whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

The fork scraped along the almost empty plate. Kyp hadn't been hungry but he'd made himself eat. Han had cooked. That was a miracle in itself and Kyp didn't want to ruin it by seeming ungrateful.

They sat opposite one another in the dining room, alone. Leia was out on a political mission and the kids were asleep – or pretending to be. Kyp could sense them in their rooms.

"So how'd it go?"

He'd been dreading the question ever since he'd gotten back. Gorden Kayle's voice still jumped around in his mind. Kyp sighed and shrugged, his eyes glued to the plate in front of him.

"Okay I guess."

_Let's start from the beginning._

"It's a nice place." Kyp shoved a piece of nerf steak into his mouth, chewed and then took a sip of cool water. The silence was unnerving and peaceful all together. "I mean, as far as Doctor practices go."

_The beginning of what?_

"When's your next appointment?"

Kyp wanted to sigh, wanted to tell Han that he didn't want to see the Doctor anymore. He felt uncomfortable spilling out his soul to a complete stranger – to anyone, in fact. But Kyp couldn't bear seeing disappointment in Han's eyes.

Not again.

"Tomorrow."

"So soon?"

_Tell me about your family._

Kyp forced an awkward crooked smile. "Yeah. I'm a special case." He hoped his voice sounded lighthearted. He felt sick to his stomach.

"Do you need me to take –"

"No."

Kyp winced. He didn't want the word to come out as forcefully. He cleared his throat. "I mean, I want to do this on my own. It's not a big deal."

Han gave him a smile. It didn't quite reach his eyes.

Kyp felt heartbroken.

He laid the silverware onto the plate, neatly side by side, drank up his water and pushed away from the table. "Food was good, Han. Thank you." He paused for a moment, searching for words. "I'm going to head to bed."

"Already?"

"It's been a long day."

_Tell me about your family._

He gathered the plate and his cup but didn't look back at Han when he headed to the kitchen. It was just too awkward. Kyp saw too many unasked questions in the older man's eyes, questions he wasn't ready to answer yet.

He ate the last few bites of his food while standing at the sink, then he rinsed off the plate and drank the rest of his water. He was full, almost to the bursting point but he would never waste food. It was too valuable, in his opinion.

The room Han had given him was nice and comfortable. He'd heard the kids whining how small it was but Kyp didn't mind. He'd known only a bunk with inmates for years and years – this was pure luxury. A soft bed with an equally soft pillow and blanket. It always smelled like flowers.

Jaina had given him a stuffed bantha toy. Right now it sat on his pillow, grinning broadly. Kyp smiled when he saw it.

He undressed slowly, trying to calm his turbulent thoughts. He used a little trick Luke Skywalker had taught him before –

Kyp slumped and closed his eyes.

He'd messed up. He really _had_ messed up.

He threw his clothes over a recliner standing in the far corner, hurried into the fresher and stared at his reflection in the mirror.

_Tell me about your family._

"I look like my Dad." Kyp whispered while looking at himself. He was of average height, of slender built, still too skinny.

He washed himself, enjoying the feel of cold water running along his wrists. The simplest things in life made him smile.

As he walked back into his room and cuddled underneath the covers – making sure to grab the stuffed bantha – he didn't dare close his eyes.

Not yet anyway.

Because all he could think about was his family.

They were all dead.

_Tell me about your family._

He'd given a simple answer.

_No._


	3. Chapter 3

The light of a new day woke him early in the morning. Kyp blinked tired green eyes, unmoving as he focused on the outside world while still in bed. The stuffed bantha toy lay on the floor, beady dark eyes twinkling as the sun's rays touched it.

Kyp sighed.

A new day.

Life went on no matter how much he wished he could stop time and simply do nothing for as long as he wished.

Eventually, Kyp sat up and pushed the covers aside. Any other young man his age would have gotten up and gotten ready for the day. But Kessel was still drilled into his skull.

Back in the mines, you woke up, you straightened up your bunk, you used the fresher (for which you had a total of exactly seven minutes) and headed to first meal.

Even after these few months, he still needed to get used to a somewhat normal way of life. There was no need to make his bed but he did it anyway. It was the first thing he did every forsaken morning.

A melodic chime sounded throughout the small room. He reached into the Force, focusing his senses beyond the door to the hall. He felt two presences just outside, one content while the other was about bursting with anticipation.

Kyp made sure he was decent before moving to the door mechanism and touched the softly glowing pad with the tips of his fingers.

Little Jaina came running into the room, stopping in front of Kyp with a bright smile on her face. Han stood behind her, arms folded across his chest. "She wanted to come wake you."

Kyp knelt before the little girl. "The sun beat you to it." He winked at her.

Jaina giggled. "Will you play with us? Dad said we could listen to the birdie song all day."

Han groaned loudly and rolled his eyes. "It was either that or watch the spotted bantha cub. _Again_."

Kyp ruffled the girls' hair affectionately. "I'd love to play with you but I have to leave in a bit. I have some things to take care of."

She nodded. "Dad said you needed to go see the Doctor. Are you sick?"

Her simple, innocent question struck a raw nerve. "I…um…" He cleared his throat, lifted his eyes to meet Han's for a moment. The older man seemed uncomfortable. "Sort of." Kyp said after an awkward moment, "I haven't been feeling myself lately."

Jaina nodded but her smile was persistent. "You'll get better, Kyp." She hugged him. "I know you will."

***

"It's a journey." Gorden Kayle sat opposite Kyp in the sitting circle, a transparent writing tablet balanced on one knee. Kyp found himself focusing on Gorden's lightpen – he kept twirling it between his fingers, back and forth, back and forth.

"To get to your destination", Gorden continued, "you have to start at the beginning."

Kyp grimaced. "There are some memories I don't want to relive."

Gorden nodded and spread his hands to the sides. "This is completely up to you, of course."

Sighing, Kyp ran a hand through his hair. All morning Jaina's question ran through his head.

_Are you sick?_

"Tell me what's troubling you, Kyp."

Inwardly, Kyp groaned.

But this was it, wasn't it? This was the reason he'd come here in the first place. To _talk_. To deal with his past and present so he could at least have a try at a decent future.

"What do you want to know?" Kyp said in a dark voice, trying not to look at Gorden.

Why was it that Jaina's simple question made him feel sick? Made him feel ashamed?

_Are you sick?_

_I don't know. _

_Am I?_

"Whatever you would like to tell me, Kyp." Gorden placed the writing pad on the table in front of him but kept the light pen in his hand.

Kyp sighed and slumped in his chair. "I wouldn't know where to begin." He rubbed his eyes, feeling overwhelmingly tired all of a sudden. Tired of being who he was. How wonderful would it be to turn back time and start over? To undo all the mistakes made in a split second by one stupid decision – to trust a being long dead, an angry spirit bent on revenge and a reawakening.

He almost laughed. It sounded absurd to him, how the hell insane would it sound if he spoke it out loud?

And this wasn't even the beginning of what he called his life. The down spiral started with Imperials battering down his family's home and herding them like animals. Kyp was surprised at the anger welling up inside him as he thought back to that one fateful day when his destiny had taken a turn towards the darkest, vilest pits of hell.

Kyp looked up and met Gorden Kayle's gaze head on. He sat up straight and leaned forward – he would not give in to the nagging whispering voices of doubt. He would face his past and he would live with it with his head held high.

Kyp took a deep breath. "_Fine_." His voice was hoarse, scratchy and he felt thirsty suddenly. A sign of nervousness, which he blatantly ignored. "I'll start with those kriffing Imperial bastards who destroyed my life." He let venom color the tone of his voice, as much as he could muster. If he could go back and set things straight…

If Gorden was surprised at Kyp's sudden open emotions, he didn't show it. He simply sat back and nodded for the young man to continue.

_Eleven years earlier / 0530 Galactic Standard Time_

Kyp sat up in bed with his knees pulled to his chest. He hadn't been able to sleep and neither had Zeth. The boys' had retreated into Kyp's room to watch a few movies and eventually Zeth had dozed off but not Kyp – with each passing minute, it felt like an impossibility to even think about sleeping.

Something was seriously wrong, he could feel it. Every cell in his body sang out to him but Kyp didn't know what to do. His skin crawled and at times he thought he would choke because it was so hard to breathe.

Zeth snored loudly at Kyp's feet, sprawled on his back with his mouth open. Kyp frowned and shook his brother but when the older boy didn't respond, he punched rather than wake him in a nice way.

"Zeth!"

"What?" He turned onto his side, his back facing Kyp and slept on, oblivious to the feelings of dread his brother had to endure.

"Wake up." Kyp pushed at his brothers' back; when Zeth didn't respond, he went back to hitting and punching. As usual. Once he'd actually had to pinch and bite too…

"I don't wanna wake up." Zeth grumbled, swatting away Kyp's small hands. "It's not even light out yet. Leave me alone."

Kyp grimaced. "Get up, Zeth!"

"No! Leave me alone you little git."

Kyp sighed and wrinkled his nose. He wanted Zeth to wake up and what Kyp wanted, Kyp got. He shifted his position so he could stretch out his legs. He moved forward a bit, his little toes touching Zeth's back. He kicked out like an animal, over and over again until Zeth jumped up with a fierce sounding growl and pounced on his little brother.

"What are you doing?"

Kyp laughed. "Waking you."

"By kicking me around like a pittin?"

Kyp widened his eyes in shock. "You _kick_ pittins?"

Zeth rolled his eyes and released the eight year old while shaking his head. He slid off the bed and stretched. "I'm going to bed. You stay here."

But Kyp followed him with worry written all over his pudgy little face. "There's something wrong, Zeth. Can't you feel it?"

"The only thing I feel is tired, little brother." He yawned graciously and loudly, not even bothering to cover his mouth. Their mother would have thrown a fit if she'd seen it.

"But, Zeth, I think we need to go."

Zeth raised his brows as he turned to face the little boy. Bright green eyes stared back at him, fear evident even in the darkness of the hallway. "What do you mean we need to go?"

"It feels like the right thing to do. We need to wake Mom and Dad and we have to leave. Something bad is going to happen."

"Kyp, you had a bad dream." Zeth ruffled his hair and smiled warmly. "There's nothing you need to worry about."

But Kyp wasn't buying it. He knew his brother too well. "You feel it too, don't you?" His accusatory tone hit a nerve and Zeth blinked, dumbfounded.

"I told you, Kyp, I'm just tired. Now knock it off."

"But Zeth –"

"Stop it. I'm in no mood for your crap right now. Go back to bed."

Kyp didn't move as Zeth headed for his room. He hated being treated like a baby and this time he was serious! He just knew that something bad was going to happen – they needed to leave.

If Zeth didn't believe him, at least their mother would. She always did, especially when it came to this feelings he had sometimes.

Kyp hurried down the hall to his parents' bedroom and palmed the door open. Both his parents were sleeping soundly, cuddling in one another's arms. A part of them didn't want to disturb them but the part that screamed _Danger! _overruled.

"Mom!" He called as his small bare feet slapped on the cold floor. "Mom, Dad! Wake up!"

Anais opened her eyes as she heard the almost frantic call of her youngest son. She was up in an instant, flicking the light on and beckoning Kyp to come forward. "What is it?"

"Something's wrong, Mom. I can feel it. We have to leave."

"Leave?" His father grumbled, still half asleep.

Anais glanced from father to son, "What's going on sweetheart?" She asked with a sweet smile, gently caressing the young boy's cheek.

"You have to believe me! They're coming here, Mom!"

"Who's coming, baby?"

"Go back to bed, Kyp. It was just a dream."

"Zach." Anais said in a chiding tone. "We need to take this seriously."

"That's what you always say." Zach sat up, glowering darkly. "Special powers you keep saying. He's a kid, Ana! He just had a bad dream, that's all."

"It wasn't a dream." Kyp whispered as the feeling of dread intensified suddenly, spiking badly until he could hear his own heartbeat in his ears. "But it's too late now."

Seconds after he'd uttered those words, the three of them felt more than heard a thunderous blow echoing throughout their home. Kyp's parents were up in an instant, throwing the covers aside and nearly slipping on the sleek floor. Zeth came running down the hallway, his face so pale it resembled ash.

Everything happened so fast yet this incident would be a burning memory that would forever haunt Kyp until he breathed his very last breath.

Anais yelled for the boys to hit the ground but her words were drowned out by a blur of blue-white light. The woman dropped to the floor in a heap, unmoving, unconscious. Zach didn't even have time to push his sons out of harm's way. The stun blast hit him in his chest.

To Kyp's eyes, it seemed like a dozen Stormtroopers had found their way into a peaceful home. The front door was smashed open, smoke drifting upward from the locking mechanism.

Zeth, enraged and screaming at the top of his lungs, managed to tackle the lead Stormtrooper. He ripped the white helmet off the soldier and bloodied his own fists in mere seconds as he punched the Stormtrooper continuously. Seemingly oblivious to his surroundings, Zeth didn't care anymore. All he wanted was revenge, all he wanted was justice.

Zeth was the next to go down in a blue flash of light. He lay twitching on the living room floor like a fish out of water for several seconds until he lay completely still, as if were sleeping.

Kyp was alone. Leaning against the far wall, staring with wide, fearful eyes.

Utterly, completely alone in a dangerous new world.

He just didn't know it yet.


End file.
